"Vil du leke med meg, please?"

I hear that almost every day. And I'm afraid that I've been a terribly bad parent, because most times I just don't want to play, at least not on E's terms. But E is still struggling emotionally, and I've got to do something. He was great during our visit with my mom (go figure, he got tons of appropriate attention from grandma, who is a natural with kids), but already two weeks after coming home, I can see some of the same conflicts arising.

My sister-in-law gave us Carolyn Webster-Stratton's The Incredible Years, for Christmas (in Norwegian). It's a book on problem-solving in parenting of children between two and eight. I've know it was stashed away somewhere in the house for the past six months, but despite all the red flags that have been coming up, I haven't had the wherewithal to look for it. Finally, this morning I dug it out of a pile of books and within the first two minutes of reading I was already overwhelmed by the clear message it sends: I've been screwing things up, and much of E's emotional turmoil is probably coming from his interactions with me. Shit.

In the chapter on playing Webster-Stratton writes: "the instinct for creative play gradually fades if adults don't stimulate this development" and "Such criticism and correction eventually result in children becoming wary of exploring their own ideas ... it also appears to cause helplessness in small children." Oh my. Well duh. KE and I are constantly frustrated by E's helplessness, and in fact that was something the people at preschool brought up in our first meeting last fall. I've suspected that it is our behavior toward E that is the source of the problem, but I haven't seen it stated in so uncertain terms until now. Without meaning or wanting to, we criticize and correct him all the time.

It's really hard to face the fact that I am doing some things wrong as a parent. I need to change some of my behaviors right away. It's going to be really hard. I can think of three or for little incidents from yesterday alone that I am now bitterly regretting. I can hardly bear the thought of reading the entire book, when just a few pages have already pointed out so much that I have to work on. I think I'll just stick with what I've gleaned from the chapter on playing with your child for right now, and work on changing some of my behavior there for a while, before moving on to other areas.

First up is this:

For the past few months, E has been less interested in building with Lego than in playing with the Lego people. I have pretty consistently insisted on not doing that. I can happily sit with him and build, but I cannot bear to play with the people, for some reason. I have even told him straight out that I don't like it and I won't do it. Yet he's always asking me to do it. So today, I'm going to give it a try. I wish I understood why I have such an aversion to it. I'm just heartsick over this.

ETA: I did it! For one day I was a super good mom (without faking it and acting like someone I'm not) and didn't do anything that I now regret. It felt sooooo good. Maybe I can do it another day too?