Selvmedlidenhet?

It's odd how draining I found my confrontations with Norwegian bureaucracy last week to be. It really knocked me off course, and I feel completely demotivated to do anything at all. And the odd thing is, it actually turned out not to be so bad. When I went down to the police station to submit my documentation, the woman who processed my paperwork was kindness itself, and assured me that I wasn't too late at all.

I realize that my overreaction to the residency permit has to do with how much I have personally riding on it--every year I see stories in the media about people with children in Norway getting deported, and having to spend months and even years to regain the legal right to be with their children. Having a child makes a person feel so much more vulnerable to the whims of the state. If I were single and childless and got deported, I would be terribly upset, but would simply rebuild. If I were to be deported in the situation I'm in now, I think it would kill me.

The only measurable thing I was able to accomplish since the last time I posted was to knit a necklace. Yes, you read that right, a necklace! It's this cool (free!) pattern from Kirsten Johnstone:

This won't be the last time I'll be knitting this. In fact, I've already started on a second version with the same yarn (Classic Elite Silky Alpaca Lace). I only discovered at the last of the seven circles that I should really have been using an elastic cast off (sl1, K1, K these two together, *K1, K2tog*). So, I'll keep this one and send the second as the gift it was originally intended to be.


So now it's Monday, with my two last classes to teach for this semester, and I'm really, really hoping that I can manage to motivate myself to do the research and writing I had planned to get done before the Christmas break. There's a lot riding on that too, since it's material that--ideally speaking--needs to be done before I submit my next job application.


Motivation is such a fickle thing. I know exactly what I need to do. I know how to do it. I know that I can do it. I even know how to break it down into smaller, manageable parts. What I don't know how to do right now, is get myself to actually do it. I wish I had some kind of reward or something joyful and random that could shake me out of this funk, but I don't even know what that would be.

Uønsket?

Is it just me, or is it weird that not a single person here at the university I work at has expressed any regret over the fact that I'm leaving? My only real complaint about the job here has been that I haven't made the kind of close connections to colleagues that I had a ton of at my previous job. Mostly, I have blamed that on myself, since I came here pregnant and newly married. Starting a family took up all my non-work time, so I haven't had the energy to put out for making work friends. But at a certain point things settled down, and I made concerted efforts to connect with people. I did manage to twist a few people's arms enough that they would go out to coffee with me, but the efforts were never returned. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that no one here is sad to see me go.

But that doesn't stop me from feeling sorry for myself! I feel like I have a lot to offer my friends. I'm loyal and supportive and enthusiastic. I also feel like I put a huge amount of effort into this job. It sucks that no one here recognizes or values that. Sorry for the pity party, but it really hurts my feelings that I've been doing a job for four years that no one seems to care about. When I brought the whole fellowship thing up to my boss the first time his primary reaction was to be pissed off at the extra work my leaving would cause him.

I don't want to pout, and I don't want to leave in a huff. It would just be so nice if someone here at my job would say "I'm sorry to see you go." Rant over.

On the upside, we finally finished our Twin Peaks marathon. Loved, loved, loved it. I had to reserve Fire Walk With Me at the library just to get the full package. I know it's supposed to be really bad, but I'm just not ready to let go of the series. Oddly, episode 17 from season two is missing on CBS.com. Hmmm. Mysterious. It gets rave reviews online, so I'd really like to see it.

And we got off pretty easy with fixing up the house to sell: under $700 for all electrical and plumbing work. Luckily the buyers had put a clause in the purchase contract that capped what we would have to pay at $1000. I thought I'd have to go over that, but they stuck to it, and didn't want to split costs for more work that they had originally hoped to get done. Yay! Closing this week, if all goes well.