Samvittighet

So most of the blogs I read have to do with crafting and gardening and celebrating the joys of every day family life. For the most part they tend to paint a pretty rosy picture of things, and I suppose I follow suit in my own mildly cynical way. Partly one doesn't want to expose too much about oneself in what is (although it is very easy to forget) a very public forum, partly one wants to record positive progress and create a good impression.

I have had something on my mind for about two months now, and it doesn't put me in a very good light. I feel like I should blog about it anyway. I have one living grandparent, Grannie (my father's mother) who was born on 15 June 1916. That means she turned 93 a month and a half ago. The thing I need to say publicly is this: I didn't send her a birthday card or call her. I feel terrible. I felt terrible in the weeks leading up to the day (because I knew I wasn't going to do anything), I felt especially terrible on the day, and I have been feeling increasingly bad over the past six weeks. You see, I really love Grannie, and when I was a kid and well into adulthood we had an amazing bond that transcended the fact that we never lived near each other and only saw each other maybe once a year.

Then a few years back, maybe in 2003, we had a falling out. I won't go into the details because that would reveal information about other family members that I don't have any business sharing with others. But what happened is basically that my grandmother said something to me about someone which was so hurtful that I communicated to that person (after much agonizing deliberation). When that person confronted her, she basically said I had lied (though not in so many words). I felt horribly betrayed (even though one can very well say that I betrayed her confidence--I totally see that too). So betrayed, in fact, that I haven't really been able to interact with her comfortably since. I have been angry and hurt for the past six (!!) years, without really understanding why. This past six weeks of feeling guilty has actually really helped me work through it. I have finally come to understand my feelings of betrayal and to let go of them a little bit.

This afternoon I got a bit of time to myself and finally wrote her a long letter with lots of pictures of E, her only great-grandson (I am her only grandchild...). I am so relieved!



This has also been a week of conscience-easing knitting. Last August I gave KE a birthday I.O.U. for a pair of over-the-knee skiing socks (the kind worn with knickers). And now, a mere month before his next birthday I realized that I really need to get them done (well, started actually). It turns out to be an incredibly fun and fast project. In fact, it's the most enjoyable knitting I've done all year!

Just two more centimeters to go and I can start on the heel!

By the way, both snapshots were taken with my fancy new cell phone. It looks like the quality will work for blog updates, and it is fun to be able to synchronize my cell phone and laptop via Bluetooth. I feel so savvy, though of course I know I'm not...