"Vil du leke med meg, please?"

I hear that almost every day. And I'm afraid that I've been a terribly bad parent, because most times I just don't want to play, at least not on E's terms. But E is still struggling emotionally, and I've got to do something. He was great during our visit with my mom (go figure, he got tons of appropriate attention from grandma, who is a natural with kids), but already two weeks after coming home, I can see some of the same conflicts arising.

My sister-in-law gave us Carolyn Webster-Stratton's The Incredible Years, for Christmas (in Norwegian). It's a book on problem-solving in parenting of children between two and eight. I've know it was stashed away somewhere in the house for the past six months, but despite all the red flags that have been coming up, I haven't had the wherewithal to look for it. Finally, this morning I dug it out of a pile of books and within the first two minutes of reading I was already overwhelmed by the clear message it sends: I've been screwing things up, and much of E's emotional turmoil is probably coming from his interactions with me. Shit.

In the chapter on playing Webster-Stratton writes: "the instinct for creative play gradually fades if adults don't stimulate this development" and "Such criticism and correction eventually result in children becoming wary of exploring their own ideas ... it also appears to cause helplessness in small children." Oh my. Well duh. KE and I are constantly frustrated by E's helplessness, and in fact that was something the people at preschool brought up in our first meeting last fall. I've suspected that it is our behavior toward E that is the source of the problem, but I haven't seen it stated in so uncertain terms until now. Without meaning or wanting to, we criticize and correct him all the time.

It's really hard to face the fact that I am doing some things wrong as a parent. I need to change some of my behaviors right away. It's going to be really hard. I can think of three or for little incidents from yesterday alone that I am now bitterly regretting. I can hardly bear the thought of reading the entire book, when just a few pages have already pointed out so much that I have to work on. I think I'll just stick with what I've gleaned from the chapter on playing with your child for right now, and work on changing some of my behavior there for a while, before moving on to other areas.

First up is this:

For the past few months, E has been less interested in building with Lego than in playing with the Lego people. I have pretty consistently insisted on not doing that. I can happily sit with him and build, but I cannot bear to play with the people, for some reason. I have even told him straight out that I don't like it and I won't do it. Yet he's always asking me to do it. So today, I'm going to give it a try. I wish I understood why I have such an aversion to it. I'm just heartsick over this.

ETA: I did it! For one day I was a super good mom (without faking it and acting like someone I'm not) and didn't do anything that I now regret. It felt sooooo good. Maybe I can do it another day too?

Lysere tider

I finished the garter stitch "square" for the Bridgewater shawl, and it is the wonkiest thing I've ever seen. I have finally decided to just throw the whole thing out. I hate the color and I obviously shouldn't have switched from straight to circular needles halfway through, since it seriously affected my gauge. I know I will definitely knit this pattern, as I absolutely love it, but just this once I'm going to splurge and get the perfect yarn for it instead of making do. I've seen some spectacular versions of this on Ravelry in various warm grays, so I'm aiming for that. It will be fun to look for the perfect lace weight yarn while in San Francisco, Eugene, and Seattle. In the meantime, KE has been nagging me to knit a small curtain for the bathroom window, so I started that last night, though I only made it to four rows.  It's a free pattern from Knit Picks called "Dappled Lace Café Curtain." I'm using Euroflax in a color that I think is called Oatmeal.

The last few nights I've been going to bed right after I tuck E in, since I've been so tired from work. Today we finally finished up the marathon of oral exams (four full days!). I am so impressed with our students--at least the Norwegian ones. It was sheer delight to hear some of them talk about film in such nuanced and engaged oral presentations. I have one more day of major paper grading, then I think I'm done and can go on vacation with a clear conscience.

E seems to be in much better shape. I think he has really enjoyed being home with pappa, and KE has been doing a great job of adjusting to being full-time dad now that E is out of preschool. I'm hoping that a summer of lots and lots of close family contact will help with the issues E is struggling with. I hope we can all be kinder and more sensitive to and supportive of each other over the next few months.

In between all the grading and exams I've been sneaking a little time to read up on Henrik Anker Bjerregaard and his drama, Et Fjeldeventyr, which is the subject of my next conference paper (in August). I am getting really excited about the topic. I think it's going to be a fun paper, if I can just squeeze it in somehow.

Barnepsykologi

We're still struggling here in the Kverulantinnen household. I'm kind of at the end of my rope, and I think E has really been having a tough time dealing with the rambunctious kids in his preschool group. I'm not sure if he's being picked on. He definitely hasn't been very happy there. Thankfully today was his last day. The teachers put together a nice collage of pictures and a portfolio with his artwork. It will be a long summer--he won't start in the Steiner preschool until 16 August.

He's at a stage where no matter what we do it's wrong. If I try to help him with a zipper he yells at me for interfering, and if I don't help him he yells at me for not helping. He's been wetting the bed almost every night. I've been getting up at the crack of dawn and carrying him into the bathroom to pee, but even so sometimes when I go in to get him at 4:45 or 5:00 or whatever he has already peed. The very worst thing though is that he seems so unhappy with himself. If he feels that he's being criticized he just kind of falls apart.

I feel terrible seeing him struggling with self-worth, perfectionism, and maybe even depression. It's a horrible feeling as a parent. For some reason my response this past week has been a kind of paralysis. I feel so bad about it that I can't focus. KE and I try to give him as much positive feedback as possible, but I know we are hypercritical, even when we make a concerted effort not to be. We are both so uptight about so many things. Sometimes it feels like all E hears all day is "no." That can't be good for a kid, especially one with hypercritical and perfectionist tendencies. It saddens me to think of how tough things are going to be for him emotionally, basically for the rest of his life.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that a biological mix of KE and me would turn out neurotic, but I wasn't prepared for the sense of responsibility and sadness that I feel about it.

Penger på bok!

Happy November! Yesterday the sale of our house went through, and I deposited the check in our bank account! I'm so totally thrilled to no longer own this house. Our buyers are incredibly easy to work with, and we will be renting back from them until the day before we leave for Norway (16 December is D-day).

We barely got more than our down payment back, but really that's okay. Everyone I've told agrees that we're just incredibly lucky to have sold at all in this market, especially given that we didn't even have to use a realtor or have masses of people come and look--much easier in a family with a toddler who spreads his toys everywhere.

So now we're anxiously eying the exchange rate. Earlier this week the dollar reached 7 crowns, but now it's back down to just over 6. I know the election on Tuesday will probably bump it down significantly. I think KE would have done the exchange yesterday if he could have (we couldn't because we got the check too late in the day on a Friday). I'm kind of interested in waiting and seeing, but there are never any guarantees. This week was a 2-year high I think.

E wore his "James" (from Thomas the Tank Engine) costume to preschool yesterday. He was really proud of it. Things have become kind of a struggle with him. He is so stubborn that he resists everything. I'm starting to get tired of all the battles, especially now when my energy is so low because of my cold.


As you can see, I have been crocheting like crazy with some more of the weaving linen my mom gave me. I finished all the grannie squares for the Häkelbeutel bag and sewed it together today. Now all I need is straps and some kind of lining. And then today is the day I'm supposed to start knittng the hat for my mom's birthday next weekend...